Twice in one day I was presented with a situation where the importance of the bystander effect stood out. It's not just a phenomenon studied by psychology, it is extremely real and applicable in my life.
My "to do" list for my last day in Sophia before returning to Birmingham was long, and while going places, i'd gone hungry. I noticed a supermarket and just as I was about to walk through the sliding doors, I saw with a my peripheral vision an old lady, begging. She looked at me and said:
-Hey girl, could you buy me something to eat when you go in? I am really hungry... maybe something with rice.
I smiled at her, said "yes, of course". There was no way, after she had asked me and been so specific about what she wanted and how hungry she was, that I would just leave her there, especially on a particularly cold day. I came out after a few minutes with a big portion of stuffed peppers with rice. I gave it to her, she thanked me and I left.
The whole story couldn't have taken more than 3 minutes. Yet, it stayed with me. I thought about it: if she had just extended her hand and asked for money, not addressing anyone in particular but hoping for the kindness of all, she probably would have stayed hungry. Instead, she looked me in the eye, she didn't ask for money but for food. I don't have the heart to deny an old lady food. I won't lie, a part of me thought "What if this was my grandmother on the street? I would want to take care of her. What makes my grandmother better than this woman in the cold, except for different genes?"
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Just an hour or two later, i was still walking around Sophia, getting things done, annoyed at the bureaucracy of the National Revenue office. On my way there, I saw a young boy, about 20, charming smile, asking pedestrians for a minute of their time, to give them a well rehearsed speech about a child in need, for whom donations are necessary. I stopped, I let him give me the prerehearsed talk and donated.
ME: I guess you haven't gotten many donations today. Do you want an advice?
HIM: Uhm...sure.
ME: You approach people in the wrong way. It's a cold day and people are busy, so they don't particularly care about what you have to say because they know by your tone that you want something from them.You can break their natural response to you, by breaking your own pattern of approaching. "Hi, can i have a minute of your time?" gives them the option of saying no. Instead, assume you can have a minute of their time because what you have to say is important. Also, ask them a silly attention-grabbing question: what did you get for christmas, for example. When you ask, target one person only because if you address the masses, they feel no obligation to talk to you. Then, you can tell them what you're on about and make sure to drop your prerehearsed speech. They are individuals, not numbers, just like these pedestrians need to realise that the children you're trying to help are individuals, not numbers.
He stood there, a little confused. He said he'd definitely try. I do get a great pleasure from talking to strangers.I like to take them out of their predictable and scheduled days, if I see a potential for a nice chat. This was a text book example. Yes, i felt good for giving an advice that was bound to do a better job than what he was already doing, but mostly I hope that the kid who needed an expensive surgery abroad may get it sooner.
We only have on life and we cannot spend it afraid to talk to strangers, to hold real conversations, no matter how brief. And we shouldn't put so much effort in avoiding the resonsibility of being a part of a society. Just because we don't know these other people on the street, it doesn't mean we're not all connected.
My "to do" list for my last day in Sophia before returning to Birmingham was long, and while going places, i'd gone hungry. I noticed a supermarket and just as I was about to walk through the sliding doors, I saw with a my peripheral vision an old lady, begging. She looked at me and said:
-Hey girl, could you buy me something to eat when you go in? I am really hungry... maybe something with rice.
I smiled at her, said "yes, of course". There was no way, after she had asked me and been so specific about what she wanted and how hungry she was, that I would just leave her there, especially on a particularly cold day. I came out after a few minutes with a big portion of stuffed peppers with rice. I gave it to her, she thanked me and I left.
The whole story couldn't have taken more than 3 minutes. Yet, it stayed with me. I thought about it: if she had just extended her hand and asked for money, not addressing anyone in particular but hoping for the kindness of all, she probably would have stayed hungry. Instead, she looked me in the eye, she didn't ask for money but for food. I don't have the heart to deny an old lady food. I won't lie, a part of me thought "What if this was my grandmother on the street? I would want to take care of her. What makes my grandmother better than this woman in the cold, except for different genes?"
------------------------------------------------------
Just an hour or two later, i was still walking around Sophia, getting things done, annoyed at the bureaucracy of the National Revenue office. On my way there, I saw a young boy, about 20, charming smile, asking pedestrians for a minute of their time, to give them a well rehearsed speech about a child in need, for whom donations are necessary. I stopped, I let him give me the prerehearsed talk and donated.
ME: I guess you haven't gotten many donations today. Do you want an advice?
HIM: Uhm...sure.
ME: You approach people in the wrong way. It's a cold day and people are busy, so they don't particularly care about what you have to say because they know by your tone that you want something from them.You can break their natural response to you, by breaking your own pattern of approaching. "Hi, can i have a minute of your time?" gives them the option of saying no. Instead, assume you can have a minute of their time because what you have to say is important. Also, ask them a silly attention-grabbing question: what did you get for christmas, for example. When you ask, target one person only because if you address the masses, they feel no obligation to talk to you. Then, you can tell them what you're on about and make sure to drop your prerehearsed speech. They are individuals, not numbers, just like these pedestrians need to realise that the children you're trying to help are individuals, not numbers.
He stood there, a little confused. He said he'd definitely try. I do get a great pleasure from talking to strangers.I like to take them out of their predictable and scheduled days, if I see a potential for a nice chat. This was a text book example. Yes, i felt good for giving an advice that was bound to do a better job than what he was already doing, but mostly I hope that the kid who needed an expensive surgery abroad may get it sooner.
We only have on life and we cannot spend it afraid to talk to strangers, to hold real conversations, no matter how brief. And we shouldn't put so much effort in avoiding the resonsibility of being a part of a society. Just because we don't know these other people on the street, it doesn't mean we're not all connected.
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